Sitting on the bus back home from Melbourne after attending a weekend long course on, study of heaven and hell.
I have tears in my eyes, tears that I find hard to control, most likely anyone who saw me must think, poor Muslim woman.
Little do they know though, that these tears are THE most precious to me today. For so long I have wished for them to come back.
Life had taken over me, I was consumed by the peace and happiness,m that my Lord granted me, lacking severely in gratitude. Everyday I feared for my soul, feared as I could feel my heart harden,slowly slowly, one atom at a time, everyday, every hour
This weekend, away from home, I spent mostly forgetting all those everyday tasks that consumed me, and beautifully being reminded of my home , my real home, my home forever…
These tears are not of sadness. These are tears of hope. These are tears from the eyes that are although seeing a world today but it suddenly seems so small, so ordinary, so meager. Today all hardships seem small compared to the pleasure that lies ahead. Today these tears are from the eyes that seem to be looking at streets outside the window, but in reality they are seeing a dream, a vision, an image of the most glorious day of Eid in Jannah.
These are tears that desperately ask questions, Will you be pleased with me my Lord? Will I be one of those you invite on the day of Eid in Jannah?
Will I o Al Wadud, be there among them when you show your face? Will I see you ya rabbi? Will you say you are pleased with me ya Rabi? Will I get to hear your voice filled with love for me?
These tears are of a longing, longing for that day Allah swt lets me enter his Jannah. All that I will see, All those I will finally meet!!!! Oh how long do I have to wait for that day! I feel as only today I actually understand how much his dunya truly is a prison for the believer.
I feel like tht child who just couldn’t wait for the day of Eid to come, so s he could get the gift she wanted for so long. Not that she is unhappy today or complaining for today but she knows what lies ahead in that day is so much better than today. When will that day come! When will that day come!
But there is also fear in these tears , fear of losing this dream, fear being the one thrown in the fire, fear of not ever seeing you ya rab, fear of your anger ya Rab. It feels unbearable today to imagine meeting you and finding you displeased, o my constant provided, protector, healer, O my Rabb. Ya Allah the punishment of the fire doesn’t shatter my heart as much as just the the thought of being the one kept from seeing you forever.
As I go back home I fear that once again life will consume me and I will forget these dreams and once again the heart will begin to harden, forgetting the reality,getting lost in the illusion.
Ya Rabi, let me remember this pain every time I come near the sin.
Ya Allah, let me never forget the image of the day of Eid, that my teacher painted in my heart and mind.
Ya Allah let me never lose hope to be one you smile at everyday when I come to my eternal home, to see you twice everyday!
Ya Allah keep my heart close to you forever
Ya Rabi, make righteousness easy for me and sins difficult for me.
Ya Allah please never let me lose this longing to see you and fear of your displeasure, only make both stronger.
Today I understand more than ever before Jibreel alahisalaam statement when he saw Jannah,
‘No one who hears of it will fail to enter it’
and the more i come closer to home the more i fear, what he said when he came back to Jannah, this time surrounded with difficulties – ‘no one will enter it’
Ya Allah give me the strength to be patient just one hour for an eternity of happiness and peace in your company.